


Family Bonding Fuckers

by hunnyflower



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves' Tentacles | Bentacles, Bisexual Ben Hargreeves, Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexual Number Five | The Boy, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Lesbian Vanya Hargreeves, M/M, MM, No Incest, Pansexual Klaus Hargreeves, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Protective Number Five | The Boy, Reader-Insert, Soft Number Five | The Boy, but its like, but its with love this time, coffee gays..., its 2am i have no idea what im doing, nonbinary klaus hargreeves, the romance isnt very well built but, there r jokes abt allison and luther, they bully klaus, uh, whatever, yknow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 10,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26558824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunnyflower/pseuds/hunnyflower
Summary: Number 4 added Number 1, Number 2, Number 3, Number 5, Number 6, and Number 7 into a new groupNumber 4 named the group Family Bonding FuckersNumber 4: hey yallNumber 4 changed their name to ghobyoghobyo: fuckghobyo changed their name to ghostboyghostboy: anywaysORhaha group chat fic go brrr[DISCONTINUED]
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Everyone, Ben Hargreeves & Everyone, Ben Hargreeves/Jill, David “Dave” Katz & Everybody, Diego Hargreeves & Everyone, Everyone & Everyone, Klaus Hargreeves & Everyone, Klaus Hargreeves/David "Dave" Katz, Luther Hargreeves & Everyone, Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy) & Everyone, Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy)/Reader, Vanya Hargreeves & Everyone
Comments: 64
Kudos: 221





	1. Chapter 1

_Number 4 added Number 1, Number 2, Number 3, Number 5, Number 6, and Number 7 into a new group_

_Number 4 named the group Family Bonding Fuckers_

Number 4: hey yall

_Number 4 changed their name to ghobyo_

ghobyo: fuck

_ghobyo changed their name to ghostboy_

ghostboy: anyways

ghostboy: where were we

Number 5: whats the point of this exactly?

Number 6: did you? not read the title??

_Number 6 changed their name to Bentacles_

Bentacles: family bonding duh

Number 5: fair enough

_Number 5 changed their name to Five_

Five: better.

_Number 7 changed their name to Vannnya_

Vannnya: hi guys :D

Bentacles: vanya!!! Hi!!

Vannnya: ben! How are you typing? I thought you were dead?

Bentacles: oh i am!! Klaus is just letting use his body for a bit!! im like! his co-pilot!!

Five: interesting

Vannnya: very!!

Vannnya: wheres everyone else?

_Number 3 changed their name to iheardarumor_

Iheardarumor: Here! srry i was busy

_Number 2 changed their name to Knives_

Knives: ‘family bonding’ sure.

ghostboy: its true!! no other motives!!

Number 1: I find that hard to believe.

ghostboy: ben!! tell them im telling the truth!!

Bentacles: lmao no

_ghostboy changed @Bentacles’s name to Bitch_

_Bitch changed @ghostboy’s name to Idiot_

Idiot: im offended

Five: its true

Bitch: i do this with love klaus

Idiot: stfu

_Idiot changed their name to hotshit_

Knives: oh youve gotten the shit part down alright

hotshit: diego i will literally

Knives: youll literally what

hotshit: yknow what fuck you

Five: weve got enough incest in this family already, thanks.

hotshit: i hate u all </3

_Five changed @hotshit’s name to crybaby_

_Five changed @Bitch's name to Bentacles_

Bentacles: ty five

Five: np

crybaby: and 2 think u were my fav brother

crybaby: rights revoked

Five: gee im so hurt

Bentacles: i thought i was your favourite :((

crybaby: wait no ben u r

Bentacles: </3

Number 1: I hate this family.

Iheardarumor: even me :(

Number 1: …

Number 1: no

Iheardarumor: :)

Number 1: :-)

Iheardarumor: nvm bye

crybaby: SGHJSKFHDH

crybaby: rlly got dumped over a smiley face

Number 1: We aren’t dating!

Number 1: Are we?

_Iheardarumor is offline_

Number 1: Fuck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five: Anyway, i just took a bath in hand sanitizer
> 
> OR
> 
> these fuckers have no clue what theyre doing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these r all real conversations ive had with my friends and oh my god it only gets worse

crybaby: FUCK I FORGOT Y/N

_Crybaby added y/n to the group_

y/n: oh uh

y/n: hey guys!!

crybaby: srry did i interrupt anything

y/n: no i just wasnt expecting it is all :)

crybaby: well thats good! we r bonding now.

y/n: *bonding noises*

Five: y/n, glad to see you. Now we can get to work

crybaby: no

crybaby: this is for bonding and bonding ONLY

crybaby: we r not having another ‘family meeting’

Five: who said thats what this was about?

crybaby: thats usually what its abt so

crybaby: i think i have the right 2 make that assumption

Five: no you dont

crybaby: yea

Five: no

y/n: so anyways

y/n: how has everyone been :)

Vannnya: Y/N!!! HI!! IVE MISSED U!

y/n: VANYA!!!!!!! 

Five: Disgusting.

Five: Anyway, i just took a bath in hand sanitizer

Crybaby: Y/N !!!!!!!!!!

y/n: KLAUS!!

Crybaby: W HA

Iheardarumor: FIVE WHAT

Five: it was,, unpleasant

Crybaby: GOSH I WONDER WHY

\------

Knives: so im legally allowed to kill five now

Crybaby: AKSHJAJSFGJH

Five: Death cant stop me

Knives: hmm

Knives: Hmmmmm

Knives: hmmmmmmmm

Knives: bullets might tho

y/n: knowing five 

y/n: i doubt it

Knives: we should test it :)

y/n: id rather not kill ur brother?? Just a thought

Crybaby: u clearly havent known him 4 long enough then

Five: i agree with y/n

y/n: actually maybe we should try it

Five: </3

Five: after all ive done for you

Crybaby: pls share with the class

Five: fuck you

Crybaby: no thanks <3

Vannnya: im @ practice rn so i cant chat 4 long but my friend has 11 cartons of milk in the fridge 

Vannnya: should i be worried

Bentacles: yes.

Crybaby: SGJHKFHSFH?????? WHAT

Vannnya: horrifying ty ben <3

Bentacles: anything for my favourite sibling

Crybaby: im literally letting u control my body so u can talk 2 our siblings

Crybaby: and this is the thanks i get????

Five: i see the name still stands then

Crybaby: i WILL punt u. 

Five: id like to see you try.

Crybaby: >:(

y/n: can we have one day when yall arent trying to kill each other

Five: No

Crybaby: no

Knives: no.

Vannnya: no

Bentacles: no

iheardarumor : No

Number 1: No.

y/n: alright then


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y/n: how does one,,, voice a pirate
> 
> Bentacles: uhhhhhhh y a r ??
> 
> OR
> 
> im running out of summary ideas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> convo w friends today it was horrible i love them so much mahtin if ur reading this fuck you <3

y/n: I have created a dnd character that is a pirate.

y/n: how does one,,, voice a pirate

Bentacles: uhhhhhhh y a r ??

Crybaby: DFGHJGSKH

Crybaby: good advice

Vannnya: I think as long as ur having fun as a funky pirate ur voice can be whatever u want!

Five: think Scottish then go sideways

y/n: FSHGJKDGSH

y/n: which direction

Five: yes.

Vannnya: both

Five: at once

y/n: of course, that was a dumb question

y/n: makes perfect sense

Crybaby: yeah come on y/n

Iheardarumor: all european ppl sound the same

Bentacles: yeah kinda

Bentacles: like thor and chris hemsworth

Bentacles: no  
  
Bentacles: not the example i wanted

Bentacles: theyre the same person

Crybaby: SGHJFKHFH I THOUGHT THAT WAS ON PURPOSE??

Bentacles: I MEAN KINDA

Bentacles: my mind blanked and i thot they were different

Knives: hello whores

y/n: diego.

Knives: yea

y/n: sigh

y/n: anyways

y/n: daily check in bc fuck you

y/n: how has everyone been today :)

Five: horrible

Crybaby: five u havent even left ur room yet

Five: shut up

Crybaby: feisty today i see

Knives: no thats just five

Iheardarumor: yeah

Iheardarumor: anyway my day was p good

Iheardarumor: havent left the house but yknow 

Iheardarumor: thats just how it is </3

y/n: </3

y/n: we should do something fun

Five: like what

y/n: oh yknow

Five: i do not please elaborate

y/n: uhhhhh

y/n: idk??? Movie night?

Crybaby: movie night,,,,,,,,, yes

Crybaby: we can have like uh

Crybaby: popcorn n stuff

Crybaby: and pillow forts

y/n: AND PILLOW FORTS,,,

Iheardarumor: im down!

Bentacles: me too

crybaby: ^

Knives: uhh sure why not

Five: sounds okay ig

Vannnya: movie night!! Yes!! What are we gonna watch?  
  
y/n: uh! Idk yet 

y/n: luther?

Number 1: I don’t mind.

y/n: cool!! Should we vote then or smth

y/n: personally

y/n: i think we should watch [movie]

Five: you have horrible taste

y/n: love you too five <3

Five: yeah lyt i guess

Crybaby: *dramatic gasp*

Crybaby: Five gay??

Five: no.

Bentacles: idk seems a little gay to me

Five: shut up ben

Bentacles: </3 :(

\------

Crybaby: we should watch uh

Crybaby: the shape of water or whatever its called

Five: why?

Crybaby: monsterfucker movie.

Five: oh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi <3 monsterfucker movie real


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five: five,, a little gay
> 
> Crybaby: FIVE GAY!!!!!
> 
> Crybaby: welcome 2 the club
> 
> OR
> 
> haha five coming out post

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is so bad im sorry

Five: five,, a little gay

Crybaby: FIVE GAY!!!!!

Crybaby: welcome 2 the club

Crybaby: now we have 5 gays

Crybaby: thats enough for a

Crybaby: nvm scrapping the joke

Crybaby: howd u figure out!!! 

Five: well you see

Five: hngnghh men

Five: but also? Hnnghh women,,,,,

Crybaby: understandable!!

Vannnya: FIVE !!!!! CONGRATS!!!!

Vannnya: im v proud of u

y/n: !!!!!!!!!!! ew gay people

Bentacles: gags

Bentacles: we should celebrate

Crybaby: OH THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA

_Crybaby has added Five, Bentacles, Vannnya, and y/n into a new group_

_Crybaby named the group Gay Bitches Club_

Crybaby: gay ppl gc

Crybaby: now we can talk freely about being gay w out the hetties

Vannnya: wonderful idea 

Bentacles: finally a break from the straights

Crybaby: now

Crybaby: onto the real questions

Crybaby: so five who made u realise u were uh

Crybaby: gay? Bi? Pan? Whichever one u r

Five: Bi

Five: and thats classified until further notice

Five: for one, i dont even know if theyre gay or not

Crybaby: i remember that feeling </3

Vannnya: we should go get coffee or something!!  
  
Vannnya: as a celebration

Five: i like this idea

Bentacles: I literally cant leave klaus’s side so im in

Crybaby: yes you can!

Bentacles: cant

Crybaby: can

Bentacles: cant

y/n: anyway

y/n: when are yall free? I dont have anything today so any time is good

Vannnya: i dont have practice today so im free!

Bentacles: im dead so <3

Vannnya: </3

Crybaby: i have nothing better 2 do so me and ben can go

Five: ah well i guess i dont mind

Crybaby: perfect

Crybaby: then we can figure out who five likes >:))

Five: or not

y/n: no i think i wanna know too

Five: why r u so mean to me

y/n: i do it with love i promise

Five: i dont believe you

y/n: you should

Five: hmmmmm

Five: no

y/n: </3

y/n: fine

Crybaby: ANYWAY

Crybaby: y/n meet us at the house and we can go from there

Crybaby: and u can help me pick my outfit for fives first day as a bi bitch

y/n: sounds good! Ill be there in 20 minutes?

Vannnya: okay! I went to practice earlier so im already ready

Vannnya: want me to pick you up?

y/n: sounds good!! Cant wait 2 see yall 

y/n: and see the reason for fives gay panic

Five: its not gay panic

Five: i just

Five: hrrngh

y/n: right

\-----

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Crybaby: i think i might know who five likes

Crybaby: other than one of the new waiter at Griddys 

Crybaby: who was very cute btw five u have good taste

Five: klaus i will break all of your bones individually

Crybaby: fiiinnnee

Vannnya: oh can u tell me im curious

Five: vanya being my favourite sibling doesnt excuse you from threats

Vannnya: sigh </3

**Vanya to Klaus**

Vanya: so

Klaus: oh vanya <3

Klaus: its y/n

Klaus: if u tell five i told u i will

Klaus: cry

Vanya: honestly?

Vanya: not surprising

Klaus: really?

Vanya: i mean

Vanya: have u seen the way they interact

Klaus: fair

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Vannnya: interesting

Vannnya: anyway we went out for coffee (gays only) and klaus was trying to figure out who five liked the whole time it was very entertaining

Vannnya: five almost killed him but yknow

Vannnya: klaus made ben like,, real for a little bit 

Vannnya: he used his time to bully five

Vannnya: it was fun

\-----

Knives: i wanna go get coffee with the gays,,,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> diego,,,, gay?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crybaby: nobody in this house is straight
> 
> Five: except luther probably
> 
> Crybaby: except luther.
> 
> OR
> 
> i have no clue what im doing but yall seem to like it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a longer chapter for not updating yesterday!! im gonna b out all weekend w friends so im not sure if ill have a sunday update but there should still be one tomorrow and friday!! 
> 
> Also, i just applied for a job >:)) its just tutoring and i havent been approved yet but im excited <3

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Crybaby: me n ben r bonding over rasputins sex drive

Five: sorry what

Crybaby: <333

y/n: klaus darling,,, ben love,,, dont,, dont say these things,,

Knives: is that the dude with like the ten inch long pp

y/n: NO STOP STOPPPP

y/n: that may be factually correct but we dont have to speak of it

Five: i mean,,

y/n: no.

Five: i mmeaaannn,,,,

y/n: five i wont bring you coffee anymore.

Five: fuck

Five: fine.

y/n: good <3

Crybaby: ew gay people *gags*

Five: ill beat u up

Number 1: That’s not very nice, Klaus

Crybaby: lmao

Crybaby: u mean the gay ppl comment?

Crybaby: luther you know im,, pan,,, right,,,?

Number 1: What?

Crybaby: oh my god

Crybaby: okay so

Crybaby: basically

Five: do you really have to send 5 different messages 

Crybaby: maybe i do five!! 

Five: uh huh

Number 1: What was it you were talking about Klaus?

Crybaby: ah right

Crybaby: basically 

Crybaby: i like guys

Crybaby: but also girls

Crybaby: and everything else in between and outside 

Number 1: Oh.

Number 1: What do you mean ‘everything else in between and outside’

Crybaby: oh luther,,

Crybaby: you have so much more to learn,,

Crybaby: but we can get to that later

Crybaby: all u need to know 

Crybaby: is that when i say ew gay people

Crybaby: i dont mean it in a homophobic way

Crybaby: its sarcasm

Crybaby: i literally have a boyfriend

iheardarumor: you WHAT

iheardarumor: wh e n ???

Crybaby: oh yknow

y/n: is it,,,

y/n: hmmmmmm

y/n: actually

y/n: where does he work

Bentacles: he just got a job at griddys a few weeks ago!!!

Crybaby: SHGFHJKSF B E N

y/n: OH HIM???

y/n: god whats his name again

Crybaby: im not ??? telling u??

Five: the blonde guy who served us last time?

Crybaby: i,,

Bentacles: yeah :)

Five: his name is david or something

Five: dave?

Crybaby: dave,,,,,,,,

Five: ah.

Iheardarumor: omg,,, ur growing up,,,,

Iheardarumor: we should invite him over

Iheardarumor: as a treat

y/n: a little snack,,,,

Crybaby: absolutely not

Five: actually for once i agree with y/n

Five: after yesterday i think we deserve to meet him :)

Five: we can have another gays night out

Five: then we _both_ get what we want

Five: i get to see You Know Who

Five: and you can do whatever the fuck it is you do with dave

Five: a win win really

Crybaby: hmm

Crybaby: r u sure ur not just saying this so ill buy u coffee

Five: oh whatever do you mean!

Crybaby: hmmmmm

Five: i mean its not the only reason but yea

Crybaby: i see,,

**Gay Bitches Club**

Crybaby: so how does everyone feel abt a date night

y/n: what exactly does date night include

Five: oh You Know

y/n: i dont actually

**y/n to Klaus**

y/n: chokes

y/n: when he picks up on ur typing style <33333333333

Klaus: GDSFJDGH

Klaus: go away gay boy

y/n: gasp!

**Gay Bitches Club**

Five: like uh

Five: getting coffee and stuff

Vannnya: maybe we could walk downtown a little,, 

Vannnya: its very pretty this time of year,,

y/n: oh that sounds fun!!

y/n: we can make this like

y/n: a thing

y/n: going downtown and vibing at griddys,,,,,

Five: i guess we could

Five: you arent all as insufferable as i had thought

y/n: hahah >:))

Five: anyway.

Crybaby: we can leave in an hour? I need 2 find the perfect fit 

Crybaby: for dave <3

Bentacles: ew gross

Crybaby: you would 2 if u were his bf

Bentacles: uh huh

Bentacles: i think thats just you????

Bentacles: yea

Vannnya: im free!! Downtown is especially pretty at night

Vannnya: so we could hang at griddys for a couple hours n then go?

Bentacles: klaus is changing but he says hes good with it

y/n: okay! The lights r so fun at night i cant wait

Five: coffee date pt2 is a go then

Five: vanya can u pick me up too this time

Vannnya: uh sure! Any particular reason or,,,

Five: sleby

Vannnya: ah valid

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Crybaby: ALSO DIEGO I DIDNT SEE UR MESSAGE FROM LAST NIGHT IM SO SORRY

Crybaby: U CAN COME WITH US NEXT TODAY IF U WANT??? WERE LEAVING IN A COUPLE HOURS

Knives: oh

Knives: yeah im free?? Probably? Where are we meeting?

Vannnya: im picking everyone up!!

Knives: ty for driving vanya

Knives: i dont trust klaus or five behind the wheel

Vannnya: ofc <33 were going downtown after too if thats okay with you?

Knives: yeah that works

\-------

**Gay Bitches Club**

_Crybaby added Knives to the group_

Crybaby: nobody in this house is straight

Five: except luther probably

Crybaby: except luther.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> diego gay real!!! bye <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crybaby: hey guys how did y/n get in my room.
> 
> y/n: :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the job i wanted btw <3 
> 
> also!! dave chapter!!

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Bentacles: thinking about monster fucker movie

Crybaby: excuse me!!   
  
Crybaby: it is a fish fucker movie

Crybaby: very different

y/n: DHGJSKDG

y/n: hes still a monster technically

y/n: not fully fish

Crybaby: but spiritually? Fish man

Vannnya: SHDGJSKGH

Vannnya: spiritually,,,

Bentacles: monsters,,,, mm

Crybaby: on all levels except physical i am a fish

Iheardarumor: glub glub

Five: we can change that :)

Crybaby: OMINOUS

Iheardarumor: FIVE WHAT

y/n: was it a statement? Was it a threat? Who knows

Five: oh it was a promise

Crybaby: gender transition surgery is boring, call me when yall have species transition surgery

y/n: thinks abt the time me and my siblings agreed to modify my brothers bone structure to that of a parrot bc he wanted to be a bird but then he wanted to be a seal so we rearrange his body 2 seal with wings,,,,,

y/n: we can do the same for u

Iheardarumor: i love that

Five: thinks abt the time i read the sentence with my human eyes the ones i have for life

Knives: wait was that the one dream where there was like a head switching machine??

y/n: would you like me to fix your bones, Klaus?

y/n: no it was a completely different thing unfortunately 

Crybaby: bones and head switching machine??? Worlds apart!!

y/n: ABHAGSAGHF

Iheardarumor: i think i see why five and y/n get along so well

Iheardarumor: u wouldnt think it from the outside but y/n’s thoughts are much worse than we expected.

y/n: oh dont worry they only get worse from here

Five: cant wait.

Crybaby: anyways <3

**Gay Bitches Club**

Crybaby: coming out post i am gay

Five: gee i didnt know

Crybaby: ikr

Crybaby: anyways 4 real yeah uh

Crybaby: nb klaus hours

Crybaby: u will refer to me as they/them only

Crybaby: also klaus

Crybaby: king if u will

Crybaby: maybe even god

y/n: omg same twins

Crybaby: twins!

Five: yeah congrats or whatever

Crybaby: why ty five

Bentacles: i mean i already knew but good job klaus <3

Vannnya: yes!!!! Very proud of u,,,,

Five: celebratory coffee?

y/n: just say u dont hate us and go

Five: maybe i dont

y/n: awwww going soft on me five?

**Klaus to y/n**

Klaus: bye when did u get so bold

y/n: since he decided to act like

Klaus: like,,,,?

y/n: yknow just

y/n: that

Klaus: oh?

y/n: oh shut up

**Gay Bitches Clu**

Vannnya: coffee sounds nice :)

Bentacles: yeah!!! We can even invite dave over!! I know he has the day off today

Crybaby: yknow what i dont think i mind this time

\-----

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

_ Five added Dave to the group _

Five: payback :)

Crybaby: SGHJGHKSFKJGH FIVE

Dave: uhh,, hi?

Crybaby: well since ur here.

Crybaby: dave i think the only two you havent met yet are allison and luther? 

Iheardarumor: so  _ youre _ the boyfriend ive heard so much about

Iheardarumor: im allison!

Dave: hey!

Dave: why doesnt allison get coffee with yall? I thought that was a family thing?

Crybaby: shhh

Crybaby: its 4 gay ppl only 

Dave: ah,,

Number 1: That doesn’t seem very fair.

Number 1: Also, hi Dave, I’m Luther.

Crybaby: talk 2 me when ur gay lu

y/n: so uhm anyways <3

y/n: dave!! Hi u should come with us next time too it would b rlly fun

y/n: also klaus gets rlly embarrassed when u join so i just think he deserves it

y/n: after what he did 2 me

Dave: what did he do,,

Crybaby: SGHJHFSSGJF NOTHING

Crybaby: maybe a little bullying! 

y/n: a little,,,,

_ y/n sent a photo _

_ [y/n: chokes _

_ y/n: when he picks up on ur typing style <33333333333 _

_ Klaus: GDSFJDGH _

_ Klaus: go away gay boy] _

Crybaby: damn okay exposing urself i see

Crybaby: what if ~he~ sees

y/n: fuck u

Dave: he?

y/n: nothing u need 2 worry abt dave <3

\-----

Crybaby: hey guys how did y/n get in my room.

y/n: :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus: and so,,, five and y/n r out on a secret date
> 
> Klaus: im a genius really
> 
> OR
> 
> mmm secret date,,,,, also,, gay ppl,,, this chapter is just gay,,, im slowly weeding out the straights,,, allison is next

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my friend is british and i have so many conversations i wanna include but none of the characters r actually british so i must scrap some jokes 

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Crybaby: i feel like im having a fucking stroke

Crybaby: im lying in bed like rly rly tired and im half zoned out watching this show and it cuts to the ads and its like???? Peppa pig and all her good friends singing abt covid safety

y/n: FSGHJFGFH??

Crybaby: IF THE AD COMES UP AGAIN ILL FILM IT

y/n: OKAY   


y/n: is it the washing hands one??

Crybaby: yea

Crybaby: now imagine that at 3am in the dark with no sleep

_ y/n sent a  _ [ _ link _ ](https://youtu.be/zAnSkaPgviY)

Crybaby: out of nowhere

y/n: SHJHSKGF

y/n: go to bed stinky

Crybaby: hey im not stinky

Crybaby: ur stinky

y/n: ur slepy go 2 bed

y/n: hold on i have an idea

_ y/n sent an image  _

_ [cc: ur so tired…. U wanna go to bed so bad... ] _

_ Crybaby sent a video _

_ [Peppa pig ad in complete darkness. Cc: im having a stroke] _

y/n: oh 2 see peppa pig ad at 3am

Vannnya: DID YOU JUST TELL PEPPA PIG TO HAVE A STROKE????

y/n: go to be >:(

Crybaby: I SAID I WAS HAVING A STROKE

Crybaby: i did fully think i was hallucinating for a few seconds

y/n: bed time for klaus

Crybaby: no

y/n: yes.

Crybaby: no

y/n: go 2 bed coward or well have a repeat of ~last time~

Crybaby: oh u mean when u showed up to my room at 4 in the morning and stood over my bed until i said sorry??

Crybaby: i am suddenly tired

y/n: u r very sleepy.

\-----

**Gay Bitches Club**

Vannnya: my ap history teacher: my girlfriend said she was having issues (talking abt the program were using)

Vannnya: A GIRLFRIEND?????

Crybaby: girlfriend like gay???

Vannnya: GIRLFRIEND AS IN GAY

Crybaby: IF GOD HATES GAYS WHY DO WE KEEP WINNING

Vannnya: SGHDGJHSFHF

\-----

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Five: hnnghh

y/n: ???

Five: gay

y/n: ah

y/n: yeah me 2

Five: disgusting

y/n: vomits

Crybaby: why r yall awake its 1am

y/n: why are YOU awake 

Crybaby: uh?? Idk maybe its yall blowing up my phone??

Crybaby: just a thot though??

y/n: oh

y/n: valid

y/n: yall wanna sneak out to griddys

Five: are they even open?

Crybaby: isnt it 24/7

y/n: i think so? Well figure out when we get there ig

Crybaby: midnight griddys run,,, 

Five: oh why not

Five: meet you downstairs in 10?

Crybaby: give me 15 and youve got a deal

Five: y/n?

y/n: ill pick yall up

Crybaby: ~secret~ coffee date here we go

\-----

**Klaus to Vanya**

Klaus: i have some exciting news for u

Klaus: ur probably not awake but when u wake up message me back omg

Klaus: okay so basically me y/n and five went out for coffee at 1am right

Klaus: and honestly the situation was perfect

Klaus: so we ordered our stuff right

Klaus: the lady was super nice btw i love her

Klaus: anyway

Klaus: and there was another girl in there by herself

Klaus: (i think her name was jill?)

Klaus: and ben wanted to go talk to her

Klaus: (ghost crush)

Klaus: so i told them abt it and talked w the girl a little bit

Klaus: and let them in on our little secret

Klaus: so shes helping me out 

Klaus: and so,,, five and y/n r out on a secret date

Klaus: im a genius really

Klaus: also ben rlly likes jill so were inviting her over some time

Klaus: and our 2 favourite nerds r going on a date

Klaus: they dont know its a date but

Klaus: its the thought that counts

\-----

Vanya: oh my god klaus thats great

\-----

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Crybaby: haha ben has a girlfriend

Bentacles: I DO NOT,,,,,,

Bentacles: we are just!!!! Friends!!

Crybaby: uh huh.

Crybaby: (ben has a girlfriend)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five: fucker actually went to sleep
> 
> Knives: hes got his head in fives lap its very cute
> 
> Knives: if any of you are mean to him today ill gut you
> 
> Five: ^^
> 
> OR
> 
> everyone loves klaus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lack of dave in the last chapter!! here to make up for it
> 
> also this is dedicated to those of yall who enjoyed the fluff of the last chapter. a little bit of angst

**Gay Bitches Club**

Crybaby: its been what? 20 years? And i still wake up in a cold sweat thinking abt personal training

Crybaby: dad rlly didnt give a shit abt us huh

Knives: no he did not

Knives: but uh  
  
Knives: you wanna talk about it?

Crybaby: lmao no

Five: klaus

Crybaby: five

Five: we have to actually care for each other now

Five: that includes letting us help you when something is wrong

Crybaby: haha yeah but what if i didnt

Knives: then youll just end up having a breakdown in your room by yourself when you could have your siblings there to comfort you and help you through it

Five: deigos right

Crybaby: cant believe yall are agreeing with each other 

Five: klaus

Crybaby: fine

Crybaby: so uh

Crybaby: you remember those times when dear old dad would drag me out of the house?

Crybaby: yea well he would lock me up n shit

Crybaby: in this weird place outside the house

Crybaby: and it was just _filled_ with ghosts

Crybaby: and i had to sit there for hoouuurrssss w out food or water or anything

Crybaby: did u know ghosts r like?? Super angry?? All the time??

Crybaby: but yea

Crybaby: they always uh

Crybaby: look like they did when they died

Knives: oh no,, :(

Crybaby: yea

Five: klaus,,,

Five: do you want a hug?

Crybaby: pls,,,,,,,,,,,,,

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Crybaby: i wasnt feeling good so five n diego came over n put on some movies,,, n made me hot chocolate,,,,,,

Crybaby: i feel so loved rn

Knives: klaus if THATS what makes you feel loved,,,,

Five: okay everyone i dont care if youre asleep (or dead)

Five: line up and say good things abt klaus.

Crybaby: actually i think im gonna go to bed now

Crybaby: no point in talking if im not here to say anything <33

\-----

Five: fucker actually went to sleep

Knives: theyve got their head in fives lap its very cute

Knives: if any of you are mean to them today ill gut you

Five: ^^

\-----

Vannnya: AWWWW

Vannnya: klaus we love you lots!!!*

Vannnya: in fact!!

Vannnya: we should all hang out today

Vannnya: (straight people too i guess)

Iheardarumor: theres a nice little place down town we can go too!! 

Iheardarumor: we could 

Iheardarumor: decorate for halloween

Knives: allison it just became october  
  
Knives: OH FUCK OUR BIRTHDAY

Iheardarumor: OH SHIT

Iheardarumor: secret birthday surprise??  
  
Five: ill go pick up a cake

Knives: you are not leaving your spot until klaus wakes up

Knives: they is like a cat

Knives: do not interrupt them.

Five: okay then i guess i will not be getting cake

y/n: i can do it!!

y/n: also oh shit?? Happy birthday ??? 

y/n: why didnt i know abt this

Five: i mean we all figured you already knew but

Five: i guess not

y/n: clearly.

y/n: ill grab presents while im out

y/n: what kind of cake does klaus like

Dave: chocolate i think? Its been a while since we had cake together

y/n: oh dave!!! Hi!! Wanna come get stuff for klaus with me

Dave: yes pls

Dave: shouldnt we like?? Use a different chat

Dave: yknow one without klaus

Dave: so they?? Doenst know about his surprise??

Five: dont worry i got it

Five: just so yall are caught up

Five: ur supposed to be saying good things about klaus.

Five: and you should be anyway but

Five: especially today

_Five deleted 34 messages*_

Iheardarumor: klaus we love u sm (even if u steal my skirts)  
  
Iheardarumor: (just ask me we can go shopping together)

Bentacles: KLAUS I LOVE YOU UR MY FAVOURITE SIBLING

Number 1: You aren't as insufferable as you used to be.

Iheardarumor: LUTHER

Number 1: What???

Iheardarumor: hnngnghh

Dave: I know youre still asleep but i love you so much n if you ever need to come to me about anything please do <333

\-----

Crybaby: bye i love yall so much :(((((

Dave: were just telling the truth darling

Crybaby: aGHJHbdbfkjag

_Crybaby changed @Dave’s name to boyfrind_

Boyfrind: agfkjsh

_Boyfrind changed @Crybaby’s name to Darling_

Five: gross

Five: anyway klaus are you busy today

Darling: do i look like im busy

Darling: (the answer is no)

Darling: (what r u planning)

Five: youll see

Five: ,,,,

Five: <3

Darling: AWW WAIT OKAY

Darling: hey wait wheres y/n didnt they stay over last night

Five: early shift today i think

Darling: aww man :((

_Five added Boyfrind, Number 1, Iheardarumor, Vannnya, Bentacles, Knives, and y/n to a new group_

_Five named the group ‘Birthday Shit’_

Five: now we can talk about plans without worry abt him seeing

Five: @y/n @boyfrind is everything ready?

Boyfrind: were just getting the last few things we should be home in an hour or so

y/n: r they out of the house yet?

Iheardarumor: im gonna take them shopping in a bit! We should be out for a few hours

Iheardarumor: is that gonna be long enough?

Five: hopefully

Five: me and vanya are gonna go out to get decorations so well be back in abt 30 minutes

Five: after that luther and diego are gonna set them up

Five: and by the time theyre done y/n and dave should be home

Five: so we should be good then?

Vannnya: sounds okay to me

Vannnya: let me get changed and we can go

Five: alright

Five: thanks guys

\-----

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Darling: GUYS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH WHAT THE FUCK

Boyfrind: <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a much longer chapter today <333


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus: sorry for being so interested in my bbeeessttt frienddnsss love life
> 
> y/n: u better be >:(((
> 
> OR
> 
> SHGFJKFHJ this is so bad im sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so uhm slight nsfw in this chapter 

**Gay Bitches Club**

Darling: we should add dave

y/n: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Darling: im not gonna beg u 2 add my bf

y/n: wasnt going to make you!! 

Five: y/n weve met you

y/n: gee i sure hope so

Five: you cant see but im rolling my eyes at you

y/n: oh i can feel it thru the screen actually

y/n: the power of ur eye roll is just 2 strong

Five: jokes on you guys my power isnt really teleportation i just have rlly strong eye rolls

y/n: cant believe youve been lying to me this whole time five </33

y/n: i thought we had something 

y/n: but alas,,,,,,,,

Five: its unfortunate, really

Darling: ANYWAY

Darling: adding dave now if you have any objections ur wrong

_ Darling added boyfrind to the group _

Boyfrind: ah finally the gay people

y/n: hi dave!! Ignore five hes dumb

Five: i have done nothing to you

y/n: (hes lying)

y/n: SFHJDGSHFGSH FORGOT HE COULD DO THAT

y/n: uhm anyways bye <3

Darling: cant have SHIT in this house </33

\-----

Darling: ben and i need someone to settle this argument

Darling: organs are close to tentacles are they not??

Bentacles: if yall say anything other than no ill lose it

y/n: why are u guys awake its 2am

Darling: your point????????

Bentacles: this is important

Bentacles: the answer is no

Darling: THEY ARE!!!!!

Darling: you can. Grab them and they Squish

Bentacles: i think ur just horny for guts

Darling: NOO

Darling: I DO NOT HAVE AN INTESTINE KINK

Boyfrind: are you sure

Darling: NOT YOU TOO 

Darling: see cause intestines are SIMILAR but different to tentacles bc. Tentacles have gorilla grip

Darling: they can grip th

Darling: the

Boyfrind: uh huh

y/n: GORILLA GRIP

Knives: hey klaus

Knives: hey

Darling: ur the homophobic one shut up knife kink

Knives: i

Five: gore kink

y/n: SGJKFHSFH

Darling: shut up bottom

y/n: THAT IS NOT THE SAM ETHING

Five: okay horny over nosebleeds

Darling: SGHJKHLJFSJHDGFBDF

y/n: SGHFJDFG

y/n: i

y/n: dies

y/n: LISTEN

y/n: in my defence

y/n: SGHJSFHG

Darling: we are learning a lot about y/n today arent we

y/n: i hate you all

Darling: wait

Darling: five. How do YOU know this

Five: well you see.

y/n: chokes

_ Five removed Darling from the group _

Knives: SFDGHjksH

Five: shut up or youre next

Knives: wouldnt dream of it

Bentacles: klaus wants u to add him back he even said please

Five: he can come back when hes learned his lesson

Bentacles: SJJJHSFFSGH

Bentacles: i will relay the message

**Klaus to y/n**

Klaus: so u and five huh

y/n: klaus i will beat you up

Klaus: sorry for being so interested in my bbeeessttt frienddnsss love life

y/n: u better be >:(((

y/n: but uhm <3

y/n: nothings actually happened -unfortunately-

y/n: but we have been talking a lot more if it makes u feel better

Klaus: hmmmmmm

Klaus: acceptable.

\-----

**Gay Bitches Club**

_ Five added Darling to the group _

Darling: hmph >:(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the record, i do not have a gore kink.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y/n: what if we played among us
> 
> y/n: and we were both imposters
> 
> Five: we get it ur gay 
> 
> OR
> 
> god yall are gay gross

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN EXTRA LONG CHAPTER FOR YALL BC I DIDNT UPDATE WEDNESDAY <3333 ive been busy w school n my mental health isnt in the best spot rn so updates may be slower

**Gay Bitches Club**

Five: friendly reminder that i am in fact bi WOW

Darling: hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Five: klaus.

Darling: five :)

Five: glares at you,,, hmm

Darling: ive done nothing wrong!!!!

Five: yeah but youre just

Five: you.

Darling: why thank you!!

y/n: ew imagine being gay

y/n: couldnt be me

y/n: anwyaysa ahhb nmen n

Darling: me too y/n,,, me too

Five: i

Five: what.

y/n: ykno,,,, mm mm m

Five: right,,,,,,,,

Five: anyway.

Five: i have a proposal to make

Darling: what is ur proposal

Five: bookstore

Darling: bookstores r for nerds

Bentacles: bookstore,, 

Bentacles: klaus klaus can we go,,,,,,,,

Darling: hmmmmmm

Boyfrind: bookstore sounds fun!

Darling: o we can go then

Bentacles: >:) <3

y/n: were going <33 

Vannnya: i can pick you guys up after rehearsal?

y/n: vanya if i didnt already like five id kiss u rn

y/n: WAIT FUCK

_ y/n deleted 2 messages _

y/n: vanya ilysm

Vannnya: AGHJHAFGHS I SAW THAT

Vannnya: but yea lyt <3

y/n: saw what idk what u mean HAHAHbnbsdgf dies

Darling: u r SO lucky omg

Bentacles: y/n,,,,,, sweetie,,,,,

y/n: hi ben ive done nothing which bookstore you wanna go to.

Bentacles: AGHDSHF

Bentacles: the one across from the cafe,,,,, then we can get coffee n stuff before we go,,,

Five: yes plea,se

Darling: cafe bookstore it is then!! 

y/n: ill stop by ur house early (like uhhh 20 minutes from now??) that way vee doesnt need 2 make any extra stops and also bc i wanna see yall </3

Five: gross

y/n: <3

Five: ew gay

Five: ,,,

Five: <3

\-----

**Gay Bitches Club**

Bentacles: bookstore FUN

y/n: veyr m,,,

Bentacles: y/n are u okay

y/n: FSGHDJKHJ yea just gay unfortunately

Bentacles: oh ew </33

y/n: sorry ben </3

Bentacles: some crimes cannot be forgiven

\-----

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Darling: thinking abt among us

y/n: imposter fanfic

Darling: omg

y/n: hold on let me write smth

y/n: ahem

y/n: as brown enters electrical, tentacles start to rise behind white. The doors slam shut suddenly and the lights shut off,,,

Darling: AGHGJACDHG

Darling: tentacles??? I see u y/n

y/n: FSHGJK SHUT UP

Bentacles: enclosed space au,,,

y/n: someone continue it

Darling: on it

Bentacles: SGHJFSFGH

Five: writing imposter nsfw instead of doing work,,,,, 

Five: why,,

y/n: oh yknow

Darling: SHHHH

Darling: white is terrified, but tries to continue their tas, trying to avoid screaming. They know their fate, but that doesnt mean they have to accept it. The two of them are alone in the room, and white cant help but feel something,,

Darling: five ur turn

Darling: i wanted to do the nsfw part but that would be way too long

Darling: ;)

y/n: this is like that word story where we go around writing the story but its multiple sentences instead of words

y/n: also smut.

Darling: yeah <3

Five: i thought white was imposter???

Five: okay hold on let me

y/n: they can both be imposter if u want

Five: SFDGHGh

Darling: BABIES FIRST KEYSMASH

Five: shut up 

Five: White closed their eyes and gripped the wires tightly as a shadow creeped up behind them. Electrical was a dangerous place, they knew that, they’ve heard the rumors and the vent was right. Beneath. Them. But yet, they still stood still. Maybe freezing would help the situation. A voice came out from the shadows, “Thought you could hide from me? Thats the fun part of it- knowing you would be hunted. But I’m here now, you knew I would eventually find you.” The voice purred, unhuman like.

Five: i cannot believe i just wrote that.

y/n: GSHJKFLHFJ

Darling: As brown and white stood frozen in terror, the vent cover shoots across the room with a loud thunder. Tentacles start to come out of the vent and begin to cover the room. A blood covered creature emerges into the black room. Unhuman looking, it snarls and growls at the two crewmates

y/n: ADFAGHKJ

Bentacles: DFGHJKFSFGHJ what the fuck oh ym god

y/n: among us fanfic <333

Five: yeah ben among us fanfic

y/n: we should play together that would be fun,,

y/n: bonding <333333333

Five: hmmmm

y/n: i already asked u so u dont count

Five: shut up

y/n: he said yes btw

Five: no i didnt

y/n: yea u did

Five: no

y/n: yea

Five: no

y/n: yea

Darling: ANYWAY

Darling: that sounds like a great idea y/n

y/n: i know im just full of them

Five: right.

y/n: five we r in the same room i could punch u rn

Five: and i could?? Move??

y/n: not for long.

Five: what are you gonna do? Break my legs??

y/n: well i mean,,,,,,

Five: sigh

**Klaus to y/n**

Klaus: oh so ur with ~him~ right now??? Like?? Hanging out??

y/n: yea???

Klaus: in a gay way????

y/n: i dont KNOW

y/n: were just kinda

y/n: sitting in my apartment

y/n: hes reading his books in the corner

y/n: (his reading positions are .very odd)

y/n: but yea we r just vibing

Klaus: awwww

Klaus: maybe it is a gay way

y/n: i wish </3

Klaus: have u ever considered??? Just?? Telling him??

y/n: oh absolutely not are you crazy

Klaus: </3333

y/n: i dont know if uve met him but?? That would not go over well.

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Iheardarumor: among us sounds fun!! I played once with vanny 

Vannnya: ^^ ive played a few times but rehearsal has been getting in the way

Vannnya: but our concert is this weekend so rehearsal will be lighter after n i should have more time to spend with u guys!!   


Five: if im not the imposter ill.

Five: cry

y/n: FSGHKJFJSFGHJ

y/n: what if we played among us

y/n: and we were both imposters

Five: we get it ur gay 

y/n: if ur gonna bully me say it to my face >:(

y/n: haha i flicked him 

Five: yes it was very painful im so hurt

y/n: good u deserve it

Five: </3

y/n: >:)

y/n: <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is there anything specific yall wanna see in the next chapters <33


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y/n: when u accidentally confess to ur crush in a spirit halloween
> 
> y/n: how was ur date btw!!!
> 
> OR
> 
> the long awaited confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its a bit of an odd hour to post a chapter and this is a short one but i wanted to get it out before i forgot!! 
> 
> also, thinking of writing a series of one shots for this fic!! just like the dates and behind the scenes that you dont get over text!! what do yall think?
> 
> this chapter is dedicated to mikeythemage tysm for reading and giving me the idea for this chapter <3

**Gay Bitches Club**

y/n: we should go 2 spirit halloween

Five: why

y/n: yknow just

y/n: gay ppl

Five: ah fair

y/n: we can decorate for halloween,,, mmm

Darling: gay ppl in spirit halloween what will they do

y/n: crimes

Five: murder

y/n: that also falls under crimes

Five: yeah but 

Five: no.

y/n: murder is bad

Five: is it???

y/n: y e s???

Bentacles: we cannot leave yall alone for two seconds can we.

Boyfrind: actually klaus i was thinking we could go on a date 

Boyfrind: i have,,,, plans

Darling: OH ????

Darling: sorry loves but date night is more important <3

Bentacles: can we invite jill? I dont wanna be alone while u guys get gushy

Boyfrind: your girlfriend? I dont mind

Bentacles: shes not my,,

Bentacles: whatever

Darling: thats okay! I dont mind inviting her but i. Do not have her number

Bentacles: i have it somewhere let me send it to you

Bentacles: when are we leaving? 

Boyfrind: i was thinking in an hour or so? There are a few places we need to get to

Darling: okay <333 

y/n: sobs ew gay ppl

y/n: vanya has rehearsal and diego is with that cop girl so that just leaves me n u fivey

Five: sigh

Five: when should i pick you up

y/n: im driving actually >:(((

Five: ffffffine

y/n: haha >:)

y/n: we leave in 20 minutes get ready bitchboy

\-----

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

y/n: tfw you fall for a mf with a goddamn number for his name </3 

y/n: going thru smth rn dont hmu

Five: Oh?

y/n: oh this is Not Klaus’ Dms.

y/n: whoopsies <3

y/n: ignore that </3

Five: uh no?

Five: pls elaborate.

Five: share with the class, if you will

y/n: were literally 

y/n: ugh

y/n: fffiiiinee

y/n: bro i think im in love with u?? Crazy

Five: yknow funny thing because i think youre not horrible?

y/n: SFDHGSJF<GSF

y/n: what are you??? Gay??

Five: a little unfortunately

y/n: HEY WAIT DOES THAT MEAN I WAS UR FIRST GAY CRUSH AWWW

Five: oh my god.

Five: im at checkout hurry up

y/n: NO I WILL NOT SCROLL PAST THIS I WAS UR GAY AWAKENING????

Five: ill leave you here.

y/n: no wait im omw

\-----

**y/n to Klaus**

y/n: when u accidentally confess to ur crush in a spirit halloween

y/n: how was ur date btw!!!

Klaus: YOU WHAT???

y/n: yea check the gc </3

Klaus: omg im so proud of u my baby is growing up

Klaus: also the date went well!!! Got to bully ben <3

y/n: u do that anyway

Klaus: yea but this time it was in front of his gf

\-----

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

y/n: haha gayboy is holding my hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is based almost entirely on experience i cannot handle love confessions well.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ranch is a dressing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from a convo i had today <33 this would have been waay longer but i didnt wanna make it 5k words (there r like 200 screenshots i left out no kidding)(I even wrote a whole essay to prove that ranch was a dressing) so we have to settle with this,,

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

y/n: god british ppl suck

y/n: they just?? Vinegar and bread

y/n: vinegar ON bread,,

Darling: should i try it

y/n: ur not british but i guess

Darling: lets go baybee

Darling: am i allowed to add butter

y/n: no.

Darling: o ok

Darling: just bread and vinegar?

y/n: mhm

Darling: ONLY bread n vinegar?

y/n: yep.

Darling: im only using a quarter of a slice otherwise i will die

y/n: FSGHJSFJ

y/n: okay

_ Darling sent a video _

_ [Klaus pouring vinegar onto a small square of bread, squeezing it and moving it around a bit, the bread is completely soaked in vinegar] _

y/n: FSHGFJSHGJKGHJ

y/n: ty for ur service

Darling: now u do it.

y/n: ABBAAGVDG i dont have any vinegar

Darling: lies

y/n: would u like me 2 film it for u. No vinegar in pantry just pasta

Darling: nah

y/n: too bad

y/n: okay nvm my roommate is cleaning the pantry and i got distracted talking abt olive oil while i was recording so no vinegar for u

Darling: when u next have vinegar u r legally require to do it

y/n: legally?

Darling: mhm

Darling: i asked uh

Darling: i asked obama he said yea

y/n: o well i cant say no to obama

y/n: u just know where he lives or

Vannnya: IS THAT LIEK A BRITISB THING TO ESAT OR DID U JUSTWAT BREAD VINEGAR   


Vannnya: HELKOJ

Darling: Y/N WAS TALKING ABT VINEGAR BREAD AND HOW ITS BRITISH

Vannnya: i decided to scroll up a bit absolute mad lad

Darling: SO THEN I KINDA HAD TO

Vannnya: AND U DID IT

Darling: YEA

Vannnya: ur an insane person

Darling: can i tell u smth?

Darling: wasnt good

y/n: rate it out of 10

Vannnya: damn crazy i thought that would be the hot new thing klaus who could HAVE IMAGINED

Darling: 0 being the worst thing to imaginable to eat?

y/n: it was like soaking in vinegar the absolute power u hav

Darling: i soaked it once but i forgot to film it so i did it again on camera so u believed me

Darling: solid 3/10

y/n: SFHGJKSFHJ

y/n: why 3

Darling: was in no way pleasant but im sure it couldve been worse if i tried harder

Vannnya: WHO WOULDNT I SAW I WAS SO COFNFUSED I THOUGRH YOU JSUT REALLY LIEKS VINEGAR BREAD

Darling: FGHHGFDFGH

Darling: i mean yea but shhhh

y/n: sobs

Darling: not good!!! bad food

Darling: id rather drink straight vinegar

y/n: drink straight vinegar u say,,,,

Darling: (which i do actually do for fun often)

Vannnya: pls god y/n dont encourage this

y/n: SGHJKFSFHJ

Darling: im in bed now ill do it tmrw

Vannnya: NO

y/n: vinegar for breakfast

Darling: vinegar by itself is a tase 5/10 but somehow an enjoyment 7/10

Vannnya: if there was a dislike messages feature best believe y/n i would BE SLAMMING THAT MF

Darling: AFGHDJKSFDGHJ

y/n: AHAHHAHHVD

Vannnya: vinegar is bad this is not a debate im sending you all to hell with my mind powers

y/n: hey vanya do u like ranch by chance.

Darling: well if vinegars bad and im going to hell there will be vinegar there and i will drink all of it and kill god

Vannnya: not particularly

Vannnya: im not a sauce person

y/n: RANCH IS NOT A SAUCE IT IS A DRESSING

Vannnya: LISTEN SAUCE DRESSING THEYRE ALL THE SAME

y/n: NO THEYRE NOT NO

Number 1: Yes they are.

y/n: NOO

y/n: sauce is wetter

Vannnya: RANCH CAN BE WET

y/n: SFHGDJFDGHJ

y/n: WHAT KIND OF RANCH R U EATING

Vannnya: Y/N ARE YOU EATING DRY RANCH

Darling: I DONT HTINK IT SHOULD BE

y/n: SFHGJKFSHFHJ

Vannnya: klaus im double sending u to hell

y/n: IT SHOULDNT BE SO WET THAT IT BECOMES A SAUCE

Vannnya: there r some wet ranches out there why r u so close minded </3

Darling: ah!!! The secret second hell!!! Only for extra naughty people

y/n: FGSHKJFGFHJK

Darling: u know what they say. The wetter the ranch the sweeter the juice.

y/n: NO

Vannnya: IM NOT A FAN OF RANCH I AM JUST A HUMAN BEING AND HAVE SEEN WET RANCH BEFORE GET OFF MY BACK

y/n: SFHGJKSHF IDONT BELIEVE U

Number 1: I’ve never had ranch before.

Number 1: What is that?

y/n: bad.

Vannnya: idk its like yogurt with green stuff in it

y/n: SFHGKJFGSFHJK

Darling: apparently is stinky zesty milk and also close to the juice in coleslaw

Darling: it sounds like it tastes how sin feels

y/n: it tastes like walmart air

Vannnya: stinky zesty milk SUCKS

Vannnya: Not the walmart air NOO

Darling: imagine breathing in walmarts

y/n: my roommate gave me a shot glass full of ranch this morning 

y/n: it smells like cat piss

Vannnya: pls u have

Darling: SHE FUCKING WHAT

Vannnya: u have to give more context

y/n: well yknow

Darling: thats like saying my mom shot and killed a child in front of me and giving no context

y/n: she gave me the extra cucumber from her lunch

y/n: and also a shot glass of ranch

Vannnya: yea those situations are almost identical

Vannnya: OKAY BUT

Vannnya: left with more questions than answers y/n

Darling: well y/n is child ish and she shot and killed them

Darling: both gun and ranch shot result in y/n dying

Vannnya: ah damb rip y/n fly high king

y/n: FSGHKDSVH SOBS

iheardarumor: rip y/n

ideardarumor: keep thotting it up in heaven king

Vannnya: SFGHJKSFGHJ

y/n: oh i didnt drink the ranch shot

y/n: its right here baby

Darling: FUCKING GOOD

Vannnya: damn then what was the pOINT

_ y/n sent an image _

_ [a gently holding a shot glass full of ranch] _

Darling: if u did we would have to call five and kick u

Iheardarumor: wait why didnt u drink it

Vannnya: u r holding that ranch cup so dearly

Darling: like its ur only friend

y/n: ranch bad

Iheardarumor: ranch is so good

Vannnya: yeah y/n! Why didnt you!!

y/n: FSGJKFGSFHJ

Vannnya: damn finally a ranch lover to come and defend

y/n: BAAHGDDFGH

Vannnya: hey allie would you consider ranch a sauce

y/n: ITS NOT WET ENOUGH TO BE A SAUCE

Five: i personally consider ranch an enemy.

Iheardarumor: how is it NOT a sauce

Vannnya: OKAY ALLIE IM IN UR CORNER NOW

y/n: NOT WET

Vannnya: ranch is sauce y/n

Iheardarumor: IT DOESNT NEED TO BE WET

y/n: SAUCE IT WETTER THAN DRESSING

y/n: YES IT DOES

Knives: ranch is a soup

Iheardarumor: ITS ALL THE SAME

Iheardarumor: A DRESSING IS A TYPE OF SAUCE

Vannnya: THATS THE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO TAKE

Darling: OKAY AND??

Knives: what is HAPPENING

y/n: FSGHJKFHSHFJKSFHJK

Iheardarumor: we do not bring up soup.

Iheardarumor: remember last time

Darling: the s word if u will

Vannnya: SGHJHFJFHJ

Darling: WEVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT RANCH FOR MORE THAN 2 MINUTES A G A I N THIS IS ALREADY THE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO

Knives: RANCH IS RANCH

y/n: NO

y/n: RANCH IS NOT A SAUCE

Darling: ranch is a fucking crime is what it is

y/n: UR ALL WRONG AND IM GOD WHICH MEANS MY OPINION IS THE ONLY GOOD ONE

Vannnya: SGHFJKJSVFHJ yea that is how it works dammit

y/n: cant get over ranch piss smell

Iheardarumor: piss smell????

Darling: google says that dressing is ‘a sauce for food’

Number 1: Ranch has a smell?

Darling: which honestly raises more questions than it answers

_ y/n sent a video _

_ [pulling a ranch bottle from the fridge and zooming in on where it says dressing] _

y/n: IT SAYS DRESSING

Iheardarumor: ranch smells good

Iheardarumor: DRESSING IS A SAUCE   
  
Darling: WHY IS IT IN A KETCHUP BOTTLE

y/n: THATS A RANCH BOTTLE FYCJ YIU

Darling: i thought it was in a bag

y/n: DRESSING IS NOT A SAUCE

Darling: ranch bags

y/n: YOU FUCKING WHAT

Darling: ranch bag

y/n: N O ???

Five: things are heating up in the ranch fandom

Vannnya: things getting heated in the ranch fandom

Vannnya: FUCK

Vannnya: SAME BRAIN

Iheardarumor: fuck y/n is right

y/n: SFGJKFHJSFHJSFGH

Five: im gonna cry

Vannnya: WOAH WHAT THE FUCK

y/n: SGHFSGH I TOLD U

Vannnya: I knew once google got involved things would go to shit

Vannnya: fuck

Vannnya: still a sauce in my book

Five: i hate it here

y/n: its a dressing i will put that on my grave

Five: y/n im getting you out of the house were going to griddys be ready in 10

Vannnya: SFJHSKFHJ   
  
y/n: is this u asking me on a DATE

Five: oh my god

y/n: hey 

y/n: hey five

Five: what

y/n: say it

Five: no.

y/n: say it ,,,,,

Five: no

y/n: fine

y/n: guys guys five asked me out in the middle of a spirit halloween while i was lost isnt that ~romantic~

Five: oh th a t

Five: i know im just the peak of romance hm

y/n: i know <33

Five: gross

Five: <3 hurry up im standing in ur kitchen

y/n: little creepy but okay

\-----

Darling: omg their first date,,,

Darling: well first official date,,,,,

Darling: ah young love

Five: shut up or ill kick you from the chat again 

Darling: sigh,,,,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sobs i. hope u enjoy
> 
> if you wanna hear my ranch essay, you can find it on my instagram story @turntech_gnostic <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yall are dumb and gay and im so tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for sticking with me this long even tho im not feeling great i wanted to push out a couple of my drafts so sorry if this is all over the place!! just think of it as different days <33
> 
> also!! im gonna start posting actual fics again but im not sure what i wanna do yet so we'll see!! 
> 
> (if u read my authors note ((which will be deleted soon)) im thinking abt 'i like you, say it back' because i just. love it sm)
> 
> this chapter is once again for mikeythemage <33 we r heterophobic in this house

**Gay Bitches Club**

Five: dies

Knives: are u okay

Five: no

Knives: oh uh

Knives: do you wanna talk about it

Five: not particularly 

Knives: okay, would movie night help?

Five: ,,, can we get coffee too,,

Knives: sure

\-----

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

y/n: yknow for someone who cries when they see a spider i sure do have a lot

Darling: hi! Context.

Five: were decorating their apartment and apparently they ordered 80 plastic spiders

y/n: yea <3 theyre all hangin from the web i put up its nice

y/n: except for when i wake up later and think that theyre real and cry but its okay <3

Darling: ah decorating for halloween already

Darling: were only halfway thru october why r u already putting stuff up

y/n: oh ive had things up for a while but i bought a few more things the other day to spice things up

y/n: ALSO MY ROOMMATE IS GONNA BE OUT OF TOWN SO NOW I CAN DO THE WHOLE HOUSE !!!!!

Five: there is. So much.

y/n: YEAH!!!! 

y/n: there r only 79 spiders on the web because i hung one from my fan <3

y/n: the fan that hangs right above my bed.

y/n: im gonna die tonight

y/n: oh well </3

y/n: anyway yes!! ive got 3 bigger spiders on my desk, a few black roses, a skull, a cauldron, a little grave yard, MORE spiders but theyre like huge omg theyre in my kitchen, THESE LITTLE LIGHTS THAT AA I LOVE THEM SO MUCH ONES A GHOST AND I LPVE HIM A LOT HES MY LIDDOL BOY MY SON 

Darling: we should decorate too hmmm

y/n: Il,m lk helo

y/n: i ,, help,,,,,,,

Five: i wont im tired 

y/n: u will. U can take a nap but u WILL decorate with me. 

Five: what if i dont

y/n: then ill uh

y/n: punch you????? Idk 

Five: oh very threatening 

y/n: >:)

Five: id like to mention that instead of using the ladder that was right next to them

Five: or asking me to hang something up

Five: they stood on a nearly broken office chair

Five: and almost fell head first into the concrete. 

y/n: but i didnt <3

Five: you did fall into the carpet though

y/n: didnt die!

Five: couldve

y/n: didnt!

Five: couldve

y/n: didnt <33

\-----

Iheardarumor: yall notice luther hasnt been online for a few days is he okay

y/n: not to be h*terophobic but who is l*ther?

y/n: starting to think he doesn't actually exist :/

Five: who?

Number 1: That's very rude y/n, Five.

y/n: i hear,,,,,,, a whisper,,,, but from where,,

y/n: its donkey kong

y/n: he says he wants his width back l*ther

Number 1: I thought I didn't exist?

y/n: who said that?

Iheardarumor: SGHJSHGFGHJ

Iheardarumor: DRAG HIM

Number 1: Not you too, Allison.

Number 1: That’s not very nice, what happened to being a team?

Iheardarumor: the world didnt end i think were okay

Number 1: It might.

Five: no it wont

Iheardaumor: see! The world isnt ending we dont have to bond anymore

Iheardarumor: teasing isnt gonna end the world

Vannnya: can confirm that bullying l*ther will not get me to blow up the planet

Darling: unfortunate </3

Darling: anyways anti-l*ther club babey

Vannnya: FGHJHGFDFGH

Vannnya: klaus do u wanna talk

Darling: no <3

Vannnya: okay </3

Iheardarumor: anti-l*ther club,,,,

Knives: can i be the president 

Knives: i deserve it 

Iheardarumor: do you?

Knives: yes

Iheardarumor: idk,,

Five: I think i should get it

Knives: why

Five: i hate him the most i think

Knives: hmmmmm

y/n: hmmm

Iheardarumor: hmmmmm

Five: self assigning myself the role of president

y/n: like

y/n: like kin assigning

Five: no

y/n: but

Five: no.

y/n: but,,,,,,

Darling: oh were kin assigning?

Darling: gov assigned 

Darling: hmm

Darling: im gov assigned rainbow dash kinnie

y/n: its not government assigned if u do it urself

Darling: but what if im the government

y/n: no

y/n: i think ur more of a pinkie pie

y/n: uve just got that

y/n: energy

y/n: yknow??

Darling: hmm

Darling: acceptable

Darling: five is twilight sparkle

y/n: who does that make me??

Darling: doesnt she have a bf??

Darling: hold on let me check

Darling: his name is flash sentry so ig u kin him now

y/n: hmmmmm

Darling: i need u to know that googling that there are so many. Bad things. So much mpreg. And for what

y/n: NOOO 

y/n: sobs,,, not the mpreg

Five: oh my

Five: also. Why am i twilight kin

y/n: bc ur a fucking nerd lmao

Five: i- damn okay

y/n: loser <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again thank u for sticking with me through this fic!! its been almost a month since i posted it wowie


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave is sad 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been a while hasnt it!!
> 
> this is way shorter than usual but its dave-centric so i think that makes up for the length
> 
> i keep planning fics but i have mega writers block rn so nothing is sticking
> 
> they are all named after mcr lyrics though bc i have done nothing but listen to them all october 

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Darling: group therapy session

Boyfrind: why

Darling: yknow

Darling: so we can talk abt our ~emotions~

Boyfrind: yea but

Boyfrind: thats boring :/ add some spice. Bottle up your emotions until you cant handle it anymore and finally crumble and wait for the void to take you

Darling: dave honey is there anything you wanna talk about 

Boyfrind: yall talk about your feelings? Pathetic.

Darling: dave sweetie love of my life

Darling: ur coming over and we r gonna pamper u and take u out to dinner and make u feel loved okay

Boyfrind: mmm idk,,,, 

Darling: we’ll get everyone over here in 30 minutes focus on picking a place to eat

Boyfrind: i dont get a choice do i

Darling: no <3 

Boyfrind: sigh <3

Boyfrind: hey klaus

Darling: hm?

Boyfrind: love you

Boyfrind: a lot

Darling: love you too davey <3 

\-----

Five: when did dave get here,,

Darling: hes being angsty so were taking care of him and forcing him to talk abt his emotions

Boyfrind: if it makes you feel better i had no choice in the matter

Five: not really but it's too late now

Darling: thats the spirit! U should invite y/n we could put on a movie or smth

Five: theyre? Already here?

Darling: ;)

Five: i hate you have i ever mentioned that

Darling: oh many times <3

Boyfrind: anyway.

Boyfrind: klaus arent you supposed to be pampering me

Darling: right right omw

\-----

y/n: dave dave dave da

Boyfrind: hmmmmmm

y/n: we love and care about you and ur allowed to talk abt ur feelings if u want u arent being a burden for having emotions we love u

Boyfrind: oh

Boyfrind: cries

Boyfrind: yall are way too nice,,

Darling: dave sweetie,,,, 

Darling: thats it were inviting you over every saturday. We can play games or whatever but you Will be here and you Will be reminded that we care about you

Darling: family game night if you will. We can invite eudora 2 if u want i know yall r close

Boyfrind: mmm you dont have too

Darling: oh so thats a yes okay!!

Darling: but seriously we love you dave

Boyfrind: love you too <3

Darling: <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also!! I redrew the cover of vanyas book and itll be posted to my redbubble (@hunnyflower) as a sketchbook as soon as i finish a few more designs!! my ipad shut down a few days ago so i havent really been able to draw anything, and all my previous designs are lost, so if you have any ideas (for stickers, mugs, pins, ect) comment them,,,


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ice cream outing ft klaus and diego

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!!! ive been a bit busy writing songs (whoops started a band (@thecandycomet on instagram ;)) and havent had much time to update this fic but!! heres a short update!!

**Family Bonding Fuckers**

Darling: so what is the vibe for today fools

y/n: i am like three seconds away from losing my mind

y/n: the usual

Darling: whats up :((

y/n: cant rlly pinpoint it on one thing but 

y/n: i do b wanting to scream

y/n: like i said, the usual

Darling: stinky,, 

Darling: wanna go get feel-better ice cream

y/n: absolutely but only if you pay   
  
Darling: oh honey you know i cant

y/n: aw man i guess we have no choice but to steal then

Darling: gasp!! Ur right! Oh well,,,

y/n: if only there was a way we could get money for feel-better ice cream,,,

Darling: like,, a certain sibling perhaps,,,,

Knives: im not buying you ice cream.

Darling: :((( but y/n isnt feeling good!!! Its for a good cause!!

Knives: no.

y/n: pretty please!! I never ask u for anything </3

Knives: well actually-

y/n: shhhhhhh

y/n: ice cream.

Knives: fine.

y/n: yay!! I want chocolate <3

y/n: OH wait theres this cute little place in the park we could go to!!

y/n: as a ~family~ 

y/n: everyone else can come 2 ig (i am rolling my eyes here. U cant tell but its happening)

Darling: ah yes

Darling: a family bonding situation where we argue over whos flavour is better

y/n: its mine by the way

Darling: babe, honey, y/n, no.

Darling: chocolate is so boring!! Wheres the  _ spice _

y/n: i may be a coward but im not wrong.

Five: chocolate isnt horrible but obviously mint is better

y/n: ‘obviously’

Five: yes.

Darling: babys first fight

y/n: DFGHJHGFDSDFGHJ

y/n: its not my fault im right about everything

y/n: its hard being this sexy </3

Darling: oh honey i know how you feel

y/n: do you?

Darling: DFGHDKJSKHGFDGHJ FINE OKAY

y/n: love u klaus <33

Darling: yknow im not so sure now

y/n: no i promise i do 

Darling: maybe if u had better taste in ice cream id believe u

y/n: ill try ur weird wine ice cream if u let me wear that skirt of urs

Darling: oh god

Darling: but thats my favourite skirt :(

y/n: and im sad >:(

Darling: sigh </333 the things i do for you

y/n: u love me tho

Darling: unfortunately

y/n: <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive written an entire ep and am halfway thru my second one <333 if you want some sneak peaks lmk and i might start including them at the end notes!!


End file.
